After about a week of communicating with a few men, and J asking me to meet I decided that if I wanted to see if this was something I liked, I would have to go ahead and move it off of the computer.
J and I had exchanged messages outlining a story that involved us meeting in a coffee shop and going back to my place, and so we decided to meet in a coffee shop nearby. I went to work that morning and was so nervous all day knowing what I had planned - this wasn't just a date, this was a date with a married man. A married man with children who I had never met before, but with whom I had shared explicit fantasies. A man who might be trying to exploit me, or use me, or hurt me. Or maybe the man I felt through his words...a lonely man who loved his wife and family but wanted to experience more.
I almost backed out.
I went home and took a quick shower, thinking 'I am washing myself because I am meeting a man in an hour and I know there's a very good chance we are going to have sex'. It was a very strange thought, and the butterflies were flitting around in my stomach.
The time rolled around. I looked at myself in the mirror. If I was ever going to do this, now was the time. I was doing this. Taking my first steps towards maybe being a mistress. Toward possibly being the catalyst to destroy a relationship. I grabbed my purse and walked out the door.
When I got to the coffee shop I realized we hadn't clarified where we would meet. I scanned the faces outside, no, that's not him, that's not him, I don't THINK that's him...I went inside and got in line. I saw a guy sitting with a laptop who kind of glanced up at me a couple times. He didn't look like the pictures, no I don't think J would have brought a laptop. Would he? Is that him? As I moved up in line I got to see another part of the shop - and there he was. On the other side of the room, that was the face. I left the line and walked over to him.
We gave each other a quick hug and I suggested we go back and get a coffee. We returned to the table with our coffees and started to make a little small talk, normal first date stuff, 'so what do you do? How was your day?' But this was not just any first date. This man and I had exchanged graphic emails outlining what we would like to do with each other. I knew he was married, he knew I knew he was married. We both knew why we were there, but didn't know how to broach it. He leaned in and kind of shielded his face from the rest of the room and started telling me how excited my messages got him. We started whispering a little bit back and forth and my hands were completely shaking.
I don't know how I did it. I don't know where the confidence came from. I don't know. But I said, 'do you want to get out of here?' Yes, he did.
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