Time with J

I hadn't seen J in about a month, but the stars aligned and we saw each other twice in two days!  The first one was super quick, just an hour or so, but yesterday we had about three hours (an eternity in affair time!)

A couple things I've noticed about J - he narrates sex.  And it's not really dirty talk, it's a lot of 'wow, we fit together so perfectly', 'this feels like such a privilege'.  It's actually kind of annoying and I generally say nothing or just 'uh huh' (and I'm a girl that likes to talk in bed!) but it makes me realize how so much of this for him is not just about sex - it's about intimacy.  It's about looking into each other's eyes and kissing and touching and experiencing this incredibly intimate thing together.  I think that's what he misses - that's probably what all my lovers (and most people seeking affairs) (except Sir!) want.  I mean, you can have an orgasm easily enough on your own, but sex really is about more than that - and I think that's really what J wants.  Of course it's not really what I want (I enjoy intimacy with romantic partners - but this isn't about romance for me) but it's still kind of nice.

The other thing that is actually annoying me is he appears to have an aversion to oral sex.  Now, while that would probably always be a problem for me, it wouldn't be such a big problem if he hadn't gone on and on about how much he loves it when we first met.  And he sends me texts and stuff in between visits telling me how much he wants to eat me, etc.  But when the time comes, I have to force him and then it's just for a couple minutes.  He also still doesn't know where the clitoris is (is it really that complicated?).  Because of this I didn't orgasm either time we met.  That's okay, but it's kind of annoying because it's not actually that difficult to make me orgasm - the guy just needs to put in a little effort.  And I've had some great orgasms with J in the past...ah well - maybe next time?

TMI Alert

WARNING:  this post is talking about some gross stuff.  If there's anyone out there in blog world reading this, consider yourself warned.

So I got a 'how ya doing' message from Sir the other day and in our exchanges I told him that I was going to be starting 'that time of the month' shortly and wouldn't be available.  A few more messages back and forth and he suggested he come over and give me a massage - nothing sexual, just friends.  Foolish me believed him!

So he came over today and started his ordinary way - hard kissing, pulling my head back, grabbing my nipples and then...hands travelled down.  I should have known something as insignificant as a tampon wouldn't stop Sir!  But it was okay and it felt pretty good, so I let things continue.  He bent me over the bed, which isn't uncommon, and gave me a few spankings (he also grabbed my hairbrush and used it on me!)  I'm still not quite understanding the whole spanking thing - I've said before, I like it in conjunction with pleasure (when he's using a toy on me and then spanks me or bites me or whatever it feels great!) but I am definitely not a masochist and I can't imagine I'll ever get to the point where I want a spanking on its own.  It either feels like nothing or pain.  So he kept touching me and then...I should have remembered there's another entire hole not affected by menstruation!  Yup, butt stuff happened.  Just with toys today, he couldn't get hard enough to actually fuck me (this is the problem with sleeping with older men who you have to use condoms with!) and most of it felt pretty good.  Towards the end though I just felt like I was going to poop everywhere (I warned you!  TMI!) and the worry about that took over everything, so I asked him to stop and went to the bathroom.  I took the toys with me and they were, er, dirty.  Blech, gross!  So that was about it for me for the night.

I went back and wound up giving him a blowjob - and got a very weird request!  A little background on Sir - although he's a Dom now he started off as a sub, and was trained by a couple.  So as I'm doing my thing he says 'bite my cock'.  What?!  I was always taught that teeth are a strict no-no!  In fact if my teeth get anywhere near J he shrieks!  I wasn't sure I heard him right so I just kept doing what I was doing, but he said it again so I bit lightly, and then a little harder and then he came.  Super weird.

Unfortunately his phone had been going off for a while so he stopped to check it and it turned out his daughter (new piece of the Sir puzzle!  He has a 19 year old daughter!) had to be picked up so he had to run out.  All in all kind of a weird night.  And my bum hurts a little.  I hope I get my massage next time!

I said what what...

...in the butt!

After Sir's last assignment, I know he wants to start training me on anal...the idea freaks me out a little bit.  I've had anal sex I think twice when I was 18.  I did it to make my then-boyfriend happy and I'm pretty sure we didn't have any lube (I probably didn't know what lube was) and I don't remember it being an awful experience (we loved each other and he was very sweet) but it was like, why bother?  Vaginal sex feels awesome!  Anal sex feels vaguely uncomfortable!  So we stuck with the old standard.

But a big part of this mistressing experiment is to learn about myself sexually and to explore, and there's a whole orifice that hasn't been explored (oh, ew, I'm grossing MYSELF out!)

Uncertain though I am about this whole thing I figured I might as well get myself organized so I'm prepared when it happens.  So I ordered myself some Sliquid Sassy lube (the 'booty' formula!) and a glass butt plug.  Sir gave me that big squishy purple thing, but I prefer having better quality toys.  The plug was actually really cheap (I think about $12?) but because it's glass it can be boiled to sterilize.  I also picked up some rubber gloves at Target for, er, digital stimulation.

My package came in yesterday.  Usually when I buy sex toys I get super excited and want to try them out immediately.  This time, not so much.  I pulled out my new Sassy lube and another bottle of Sliquid H2O which is my 'ordinary' lube and put them aside.  Nothing too exciting or erotic about lubricant, just a necessity like condoms.  And then...(ominous music)...the plug.  It's actually kind of cute.  I got this:

ns novelties Crystal Premium Glass

I put everything away in my toyboxes (yes, there are multiple!  Sir has his own - I don't know that my other lovers really want to see floggers and such!) and went about my day, occasionally thinking about it but I couldn't work up the guts.

Today I decided, hey, it's now or never.  I won't go into details but I used my Eroscillator while it was in and...it wasn't bad!  It was actually kind of pleasurable feeling 'full' like that.  I'm glad I've taken the steps so I can work on this alone before I try anything with Sir (or any of my other lovers - they're all obsessed with anal!) Wish me luck!

Thoughts on cheating

I went on a date yesterday, a first date with a single guy.  We met on a dating website (while I enjoy my lovers, I would love to meet someone I could have a complete relationship with) and have been texting for a few weeks, but between my illness recently and his travels we weren't able t get it together for a meeting for a while.

He's a nice guy, I'm not sure if there are sparks or if I'll see him again, but it was very interesting that a pretty good chunk of our conversation was about his break-up with his wife due to her infidelity.  I guess he had come across some text messages and confronted her, and it all came out.  He said something to the effect of 'I guess it was an emotional thing, I don't think it was physical'.  In any case, they've been separated for almost a year now and his ex is still with this guy.

Obviously this got me to thinking about my circumstances.  The men I am sleeping with are married.  Their relationships are all different and they're looking for an outside lover for various reasons, but the one thing they have in common is that they are married.  And there is a possibility that, as a result of my actions, their marriages could break up.

But is it a result of my actions?  I am not in love with any of these men.  Honestly, if they were single I wouldn't even date Sir or K (I might date J and A) - not because they're bad guys but our lifestyles just wouldn't mesh for various reasons.  I haven't used my siren song and feminine wiles to attract them away from loving relationships.  I haven't encouraged them to do anything they didn't want to do.  These men signed into a website whose tagline is "Life is short.  Have an affair".  They filled in their profiles. They pulled out a credit card and bought some 'credits'.  And they started messaging women looking for someone to have sex with, to have some passion with, to pull them outside of their regular lives.  And the woman they found to fulfil those fantasies was me.  And they're loving it.  Every time I see J he gets a goofy grin on his face and says "I'm so happy I met you".  K showers me with compliments constantly.  Sir has to keep his 'Domly stoicism' but I know he loves that he found me.  We're having fun.  No one is in love. No one (except maybe K) wants to fall in love.  No one wants to change anyone's current circumstances.

All that being said, I have to recognize that it very well might.  Someone might forget to wipe out text messages.  Someone's wife calls while they're supposed to be at work and they're not.  Things happen, and this could all implode.  Will I feel guilty if that happens?  Maybe.  Am I the bad guy?  I don't know.

We're walking a tightrope here, and one wrong step could cause my lovers to tumble and fall.  I only hope I have a net.

Memory...

Sir has given me a new assignment, to read this book The Surrender by Toni Bentley.  It's a memoir, it's about submission but it's mostly about (gulp) anal sex.

I'm about half-way through, but a line just reminded me of something I wanted to remember.  She's talking about the man who introduced her to anal sex and the way she feels about him and she mentions that he's her only lover who has taken the time to befriend her cat.

My lovers have all been kind, but indifferent to my cats, but there was one moment - Sir was lying on my bed and I was giving him a blow job. I looked up and my silly cat was lying on the pillow beside him, and Sir was just kind of lazily stroking her fur.  Maybe I should have been grossed out or something but...it was just so sweet.  Seeing this big dominant man who had just ordered me to suck his cock, after ravaging me for hours...sweetly petting my kitty cat.  Aww.

Presents!

Sir came over for some fun this afternoon.  And he brought presents!

He came over and I saw he had a bag in his hand.  Of course, he immediately pulled my hair back and started kissing me so I didn't know what was in it! We played for a little bit, just warming up, and he told me to go get the bag that he had left in the hall and open my presents.

This was the first one:

I have a few vibrators, and honestly I never would have bought this one for myself - I'm kind of a vibrator snob and I generally only buy higher quality ones (my three main ones each cost over $100) and this is that jelly material that doesn't hold up very well.  Still very sweet of him though!  He used it on me, and it seems to do the job!

Then I opened these:

What did I say yesterday?!  Married men love anal!  I kind of explained my theory on anal (I'm not against it, but does it really feel GOOD?) and he told me he'd train me.  This one is still in its package, didn't get used today (phew!) Again, I would have started with something different (smaller!  More of a butt plug than a dildo) but still very sweet.

The third gift was this:

Oh god, here we go - a flogger.  I knew this was going to come at some point!  Luckily this one is very tame and he just used it very lightly on me.  Even if he did it hard I don't think this one would really hurt.

One thing about Sir that is grossing me out - he seems to have extra saliva in his mouth all the time.  I don't know if this is by design or not but the problem with it is when it's in his mouth and he kisses me, then it's in my mouth and then I swallow it and...swallowing excess saliva makes me feel totally blechy.  Kind of TMI but my stomach is not happy at the moment so it's all I can think about!

Things married guys are into...

I've noticed several sexual things that my lovers and other guys I communicated with on AM all seem to be fantasizing about. The strange thing is - these aren't things I've really encountered with single guys

69 - They're all into 69!  It's so weird!  I've never thought it's such a great position, because it's very hard to concentrate on what you're doing and what you're feeling at the same time, so I feel like everyone only gets half the pleasure they would get otherwise.  I won't go on the bottom (I like having control over how deep and fast it goes when I'm giving oral) and I can't understand how having me covering their face is comfortable!  J wanted to do this today and he kept having to stop to breathe.  I don't mind doing it if that's what he's into, but I don't understand why it's such a fantasy.  With single guys?  I don't think it's been raised in ten years.

Anal - this is another one I keep getting - they're all fantasizing about rimming and anal sex!  The anal sex I can understand (from the male perspective) but they all want to lick my butt!  Blech!  This one hasn't happened in real life yet, but I would imagine if things progress with Sir something will start happening back there.  I did a tiny bit of anal stuff with my boyfriend when I was 18, I remember it being uncomfortable but not painful or awful - you know, like watching a baseball game or something - it's definitely not fun, but you can live through it and it makes your partner happy so you do it.  There has been no interest from any other guys I've dated.

Cumming on body parts - again, another one I don't really care about - you want to cum on my breasts?  Okay, go for it as long as we can hop in the shower afterwards.  It doesn't 'feel good' or turn me on but it's not bad and I'm fine with it.  They all want to do it (and so far Sir and J have) - and then they want to rub it into my skin.  Maybe it's from watching too much porn?  Again, I can't remember any single guys doing it, although I can't swear to that.

I'm sure there are others I'll remember, but this is what springs to mind right now.